This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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