I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
