just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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