i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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