separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My day in three words: secret purse cake
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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