Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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