Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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