i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
