Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
