There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
