she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just invented taco cereal.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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