She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
