Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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