Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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