Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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