He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Soap is not a condiment
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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