It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
