I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
