Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
