if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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