quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
