its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you had me at cake vodka
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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