alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
