More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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