my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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