I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
