we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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