i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
