Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
