NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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