Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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