Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
