I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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