I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
