sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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