your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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