You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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