Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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