The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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