Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
