we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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