I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
