Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
