I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
