So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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