I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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