If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
