okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
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