Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
