i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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