I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
