my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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