you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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