a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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