you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
