Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
