Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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