We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
The best revenge is premature balding
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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