Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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