@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
