You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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