It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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