she looked like the bat from fern gully.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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