We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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