I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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