im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
