Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
